Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Vegan Cult of the Flying Orange Monster

So today, after taking that stupid survey from yesterday, I get an email in my inbox urging me to watch a video about their diet. Curiosity did indeed kill the cat. I couldn't help myself so I watched all six minutes of the vegan Dr. Joel Fuhrman looking like he was sitting in front of a green screen, with what looked to be tears in his eyes (for no explicit reason), telling me how eating animal products was killing me.

About a minute into this, I noticed something. He was using this strange speaking method, where he would pause at odd places. I've also seen preachers do this, but they typically vary their voices. Dr. Fuhrman's no preacher and his monotone voice got on my nerves after about another minute.

I did manage to watch all six minutes of his stupid video, but frankly, unless you're just a masochist, don't waste your time. It basically says if you don't eat vegetables, fruits, and seeds you're going to die a horrible death because you'll have cardiovascular disease, and who knows what else.

So why is this like a cult? The use of fear and "Join us so you won't be alone in a sea of sinners, er I mean SAD eaters..." has been successfully used by plenty of cults from Jim Jones to those crazy people in California who thought they were getting on a comet. From a marketing point of view, it's kinda intelligent that they sent me an email today. After all, gotta reel people in if they forgot about the survey they took yesterday. Gotta remind them that they're going to kill themselves if they eat animal products.

What I want to know, is when they'll mention supplements for B12, an essential vitamin found only in animal products. After all, they recommended to me that I eat 94% of my calories as vegetables, fruit, wheat and nuts. Excuse me, but that's mostly carbohydrates (with the exception of nuts, lets hope no one's allergic!). There are no essential carbohydrates, but there are essential fatty acids (fats) and essential amino acids (protein). If you got 94% of your calories from vegetables, wheat, fruit and nuts, and did not take supplements, you would be killing yourself. Except not for a little while, because first your body would start eating itself. It really likes to eat the heart muscle when it doesn't get enough protein. If people get sick after following the Eat Right America fallacy, it'll only be the American way to sue the hell out of them ala Heidi Diaz.

So, I can eat meat 4% of the time. To put that in perspective, I can eat meat 14 days of the year on their diet. If anyone thinks that what they're pushing isn't veganism, they should probably re-examine their critical thinking skills.

Word of advice. Don't join cults. Especially vegan cults. After eating that way for a while, you won't have the energy or the brain power to think about leaving. Why do you think that cults actually are typically vegetarian or vegan? They don't want you thinking. All that cholesterol and saturated fat your brain needs to think, that's the last thing they want you consuming.

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